I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
