they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
