Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
