Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
