i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
