Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
