Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
