Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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