let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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