end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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