I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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