She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
