coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
