I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
