i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
