i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
