wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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