I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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