Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
do herpes really smell.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
