my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
