I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
