People with herpes should wear stickers.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
