if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
