mondays should just be called national damage control day
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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