last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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