May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
