I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
