An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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