Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
