I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
