Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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