3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think i peed on brittanys purse
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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