Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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