If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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