Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
