I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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