yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
