She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize