I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
