to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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