I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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