tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
