I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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