Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
