I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
