i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
