i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
