Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
