Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
