i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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