I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
