I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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