You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
