textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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