if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
