I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
