I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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