I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
