I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
