apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize