i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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