either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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