dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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